You amateurs and late-comers are all about trashing Rod Black like you invented the sport? I was inventing drinking games for Rod Black like A DECADE AGO.
ROD BLACK PRESENTS THE ROD BLACK DRINKING GAME
Hello, I’m TSN’s Rod Black. In my capacity as commentator, I cover a wide variety of sports for TSN, but the CFL occupies a special place in my heart. And to enhance your enjoyment of this wonderful Canadian football that we all love, I’ve come up with a drinking game. Why? Because the only thing better than watching a CFL game is watching a CFL game completely bombed out of your gourd. And if I’m calling the game you’re watching, you’d better have plenty of alcohol handy.
Take a shot every time I say something that is factually incorrect. For example, I may randomly add two years to Anthony Calvillo’s age for my own amusement.
Take a shot every time I jump to a conclusion that I have to retract a few seconds later. As a typical example, if a pass falls incomplete, I will always assume that the receiver dropped the ball, only revising my opinion when the replay clearly shows that the defensive back knocked the ball down before the receiver could catch it.
Take two shots every time I refer to my broadcast partner by his full name (Duane Forde) for no particular reason. It’s a sexy name, kind of like Carl Weathers. I enjoy saying it in almost any context.
Take three shots every time I repeat information verbatim from the stadium announcer because I can’t actually follow the action myself. For example, if you watched Thursday’s Hamilton-Toronto game, you could clearly hear the announcer giving credit to a player (“Cornelius Anthony … with the sack!”) and me repeating the same thing a few seconds later, with the same pause between player and action. Why do all that tedious work when the guy on the stadium PA can do it for me?
Take a shot every time a play ends without me mentioning who was involved on the tackle, knockdown, or reception. I don’t bother with that kind of detail, and neither should you.
Take two shots every time I confuse one player with another. Reasons for this confusion may vary: the players both have jersey numbers in the same range, play for the same team, or are both bipedal humanoids who need food, sleep, and oxygen to survive. My broadcast partner, Danny McManus, often has the same problem.
Take three shots every time I offer an opinion so egregiously embarrassing that Duane Forde immediately has to off-set it with a statement that doesn’t sound like it came from a paranoid crack addict. For example, during last night’s Bombers-Alouettes game, at one point I opined that regardless of what play the Bombers ran, it almost seemed like the Alouettes knew it was coming. Did I have evidence for this laughable assertion, that accidentally implied that Montreal had instituted some sort of Patriots-style spying system? Not a shred! Fortunately, my broadcast partner has my back and will always be ready with a more commonplace but not cracked-out rejoinder about how preparation and scouting are key components to a successful defense.
Take a shot every time a penalty is called and I talk about something completely unrelated instead of mentioning who took the penalty and what impact it has on the play or series. I have a free-associating spirit and a wide-ranging mind, which you may find difficult to follow.
Take three shots every time I display my unfamiliarity with basic football terminology. For example, I might comment that Winnipeg’s only point thus far has come on a punt that went into the end zone that the Als chose not to return. Joyless pedants who detest the English language might choose to refer to the above point as a ‘single’. I prefer to paint a vivid descriptive portrait for the viewer, a picture striking in its narrative complexity and Germanic in its syntactical insistence on ending sentences with verbs. Besides, it fills up airtime that my broadcast partner could potentially use to supply analytic insight on the game in progress, which of course holds no interest for our viewers.
Take a shot every time I disguise a boiler-plate assertion that’s been circulated through all the CFL wires for days and weeks as my own opinion. On an unrelated note, the Als haven’t had a kick returner as dynamic as this Larry Taylor guy since the days of Ezra Landry!
Take two shots every time I turn a simple play-by-play call into a stuttering, Shatner-esque beat poetry lyric. Take this fragment from last night’s Montreal-Winnipeg game, which may possibly form the basis for a book of found poetry I hope to publish under the nom de plume Dominant Performance:
Dances out of the pocket
Gives it to Kerry Carter
(And he could go a long way here)
To the 20
To the 10
Down to the 2!
In closing, I hope that my drinking game provides you with entertainment as you enjoy an exciting game of Canadian football. Please use responsibly.
a.ka. Dominant Performance