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Minnesota Boat Orgy: To celebrate being one of the worst teams in the league, the Minnesota Vikings decided to rent a large boat and fly in dozens of prostitutes from Atlanta for an orgy rivaling those of Caligula's palace. This has caused considerable scandal and big trouble for the Vikings organization. The EPA has charged the team a hefty fine for the illegal dumping of 20 gallons of sperm over the side of the boat during the party. The FBI is also looking into possible criminal charges, since some of the prostitutes are missing after being forced to walk the plank by wide receiver Nate Burleson -- who was drunk, and dressed as a pirate. After hearing the news of the boat orgy, Randy Moss has asked to be traded back to Minnesota, but was denied. Coach Mike Tice's only comment on the scandal was "Mike Tice like turkey leg!" He then ate a turkey leg, and fell asleep in a oversized football helmet-shaped chair.
The Grammatica Brothers open a Restaurant: This season the famous pair of kickers, the Grammatica brothers, have opened an Italian restaurant called "The Leaning Goalpost". Patrons say that the kitchen is full of zany mix-ups and misunderstandings, leading to comedy of the highest degree. Just last week, Martin Grammatica ordered a case of crabs, but Bill Grammatica thought that the cook had given him an STD. He disguised himself as a bowl of linguini, but was served to a customer, much to their disapproval. Then Martin slipped on a loaf of bread, knocking over a pan of oil, and accidentally started a fire that causing the horrible deaths of 32 restaurantgoers. This incident is being used as the premise for a new sitcom on UPN next season.
The NFC North sent to Canada: The NFL commissioner has decided to send the NFC north to the Canadian league, since it no longer is playing up to standards befitting a NFL professional division. The Lions and Bears are currently tied for first place of the division with 2-3 records, and Green Bay and the Vikings trail behind. "In Canada," the commish says, "this division will get the help it needs to gain back their self esteem and rebuild their respect around the league." Doug Flutie has been brought in to supervise and has been given the authority to ship the worst players to Europe unless they shape up.