Jokes to get us through quarantine

Just thought I would start a joke thread to help us get through this virus with a few belly laughs, but we should keep it clean.

Here's my first entries:

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or a really cool opotamus?

Before I met my wife I felt incomplete... but now I'm finished!

A skeleton walks into a bar, and orders a beer and a mop.

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Two guys walk into a bar.

The third one ducked.

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What do you get an older woman on her birthday ?

Depends .


Did you hear the one about the dyslexic guy who walked into a bra ?


My wife and I had a fight the other day, and so to cool off we went for a drive in the countryside. But I was still feeling quite bitter about it, and as we drove past a farm with pigs and cows, I asked her if they remind her of any of her relatives. She said yes... my in laws.

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He then promptly downed a couple of juggs of Golson Molden.

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Dog walks into a bar, jumps up on a stool and says to the bartender "I'm parched, could you pour a half a beer in a saucer for me"

Bartender is bit shocked, but pours the beer and says "That'll be $10, but I gotta say, we've never had a talking dog in here before"

And the dog says "Well, at $10.00 for a half a beer, you won't see any more either!"


A travelling salesman wanted his wife to have company while he travelled but she managed to lose every pet he bought her ... a dog, a cat, a canary, even a hamster ... at wits end he tells a friend about his problem and the friend tells him to buy a rary ... so he goes to pet store and finds the rary is a tiny ball of fur with legs so short it can't walk ... so he buys it and gives it to his wife ... even putting it in the empty birdcage in the living room for good measure ... he comes home from his next trip and finds the bird cage empty ... he asks his wife for an explanation and she takes him to family room where he finds the rary in the dog cage ... his wife explains it outgrew the birdcage so she moved him ... returning home from the next trip he finds the dog cage empty and again asks what happened ... she takes him to the garage where he finds the rary is now the side of a bear ... it outgrow the dog cage so she had some friends move it to the garage ... over next few weeks he gets frustrated at the amount of RaryChow it takes to feed the thing so he Strats calling zoos looking for a home ... after a few more weeks he finds one that will take it but he will have to deliver it ... so he a buddy rent a dump truck and a crane (the rary is now the size of a small elephant(, load it up and start driving ... well the highway along the coast is very hilly and on the longest, steepest hill the truck just can't do the job any more ... faced with no other option they back up and dump it over the edge of the cliff ... as the two of them watch the rary fall his friend turns to the salesman and says ... Its a Long Way to Tip a Rary.

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If you tell a fine lady that she also has a sexy body, do you think she will hold it against you?

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If public farting were a stock, given peak social distancing I would say now is time to sell.

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I once had an attractive blonde mom for a girlfriend long ago, and though so long ago wow do I sure remember her.

Anyway one of her bits of wisdom was that if you are simply not sure about any food you have in the house or some new dish you prepared, you try it out with the help of your most annoying neighbour's kid.

hmmm...that could be child abuse ehh

Two cannibals sitting around a fire eating a clown. One cannibal says to the other "This taste funny to you ?"

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If you can't take a joke, then maybe you shouldn't visit the joke thread.

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An older gentleman and his young grand-daughter are walking along the street, when she turns to him and says "Grandpa, you remind me a lot of God."

Well, the fellow feels his chest swell with pride and he is almost overcome with emotion. "And why do you say that?" he asks.

"Because you are both really, really old."

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wasn't complaining or criticizing. Just sayin

Big society wedding, everyone decked out in their finery, ceremony going tickety-boo until the minister asks if anyone present has an objection to the union of the couple.

Suddenly, a young lady, carrying a three or four month old infant stands up at the back of the church and slowly walks up the aisle. A collective gasp sweeps the congregation. The bride slaps the groom and falls, sobbing, into the arms of her mother and the bridesmaids. The groom's mother collapses in a dead faint, the groomsmen are dumbstruck, not knowing where to look, what to say.

Finally, the minister regains his composure and asks "Young lady, do you have something you wish to say?"

"No, no," she replies, "I just couldn't hear away there at the back."


Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

-Cause it was dead.

What did one butt cheek say to the other?

"Together, we can stop this shit."


What's the difference between a Greyhound terminal and a crab with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.