Three CFL team owners charter a helicopter to be flown into the interior of northern Labrador for their annual fishing trip. The three are flown in and with the help of the pilot, unload their gear. As the pilot gets set to take off, he reminds the three owners, "Ok, I'll be back on Tuesday to pick you up. Remember, you can only bring back 2,000 pounds of gear with you including your fish."
"No problem--see you next Tuesday" replies one of the owners and the pilot departs.
The three team owners have a very successful trip but they are unfortunately well over the limit of 2,000 pounds set by the pilot. "What'll we do?" asks the Edmonton owner? "I guess we'll have to leave some of these fish behind" replies the Montreal owner. "Are you kidding? we'll just do what we do every year", says the Hamilton owner, "that pilot will never know how much stuff we have if we pack it well."
So they pack everything very tightly and await the pilot's return. He appears shortly and lands in front of the three owners. "Have much luck?" he asks. "Pretty good" says the Hamilton owner, "we'll help you load up."
Shortly after takeoff, the helicopter starts to fall out of the sky and soon splashes down into the water. The pilot and his three passengers bob to the surface. "I knew we shouldn't have packed so much stuff" says the Edmonton owner angrily. "Stop your griping" says the Hamilton owner, "we got two hundred yards further than we did last year."
A guy goes out golfing with his buddy. His friend pulls out a golf ball and says,
" you gotta see this ball its impossible to lose. if you hit into the bushes it makes a beeping sound if you hit it into the water, wings come out and it floats right back to land. if it gets too dark it lights up."
his friend says holy sh*t where did you get that?
he says, "i found it"
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying in bed for a few minutes the old man cuts a fluff and says "seven points."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie, score."
After about ten minutes later the old man fluffs again and says, "Touchdown I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score." The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more.
Straining, the old man tries so hard he poops in the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The billionaire was having a problem with his young son who was tired of being pampered and sheltered and wanted to be like the other kids.
Halloween was approaching and the young boy was pestering his father to let him go out for Halloween like the other kids and get some candy.
Finally the father relented and asked his son what he would like for Halloween to which the boy replied " I want a Mickey Mouse outfit"
The father then went out and bought him the Toronto Argonauts.
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"
A ticat fan and an argo fan are leaving a football game and are in a serious crash on the QEW.The two fans crawl out of their wrecks and are looking over their mangled cars.The ticat fan says "I can not believe our good fortune,our cars are toast but we are perfectly unscathed.This is obviously a sign from God that we should put our differences aside and be friends"He then reached into his trunk and pulled out an unbroken bottle of 20 year old scotch."look at this,he says,this bottle of scotch also survived this horrible wreck,this is surely a sign from God that we should toast to our new found friendship".The argo fan grabs the bottle and takes two hard slugs,hands it back and says"your turn".The cat fan says"I'll wait for the cops"
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go
to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly
appear. Einstein proceeds to describe, with arcane mathematics and symbols, his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he
says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees a TiCat lineman.
Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both
managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
The lineman looks bewildered and asks, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in."
A university football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
