Joke Line

Hamilton Tiger-Cats
1

Don't know if we're allowed to do this on the forum but I think we need some good humour during these difficult growing pains to keep us all sane. Allow me to begin, and please feel free to contribute but keep it clean.

NOAH IN 2007

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Canada , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared , "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Hydro One demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive , and it was cr uel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the Ministry of the Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Revenue Canada seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.

"The government beat me to it."

2

I thought this thread was going to be about our O-line.... which has thusfar been a joke.

3

No small coincidence that it was so named. :lol:

4

A dog walks into a bar and looks around. The bartender asks him what he is looking for. The dog replies, "I'm looking for my pa(w)"

revised

A dog walks into Ivor Wynne and looks around. A security guard asks him what he is looking for. The dog replies, "I'm looking for my pa(w)" Quietly the security guard says "You're on your own. Everyone else here is looking for a team."

5

Or - a guy with an Argo sweater tries to walk into Ivor Wynne with a Pit Bull. The security guy says "you can't bring a pig into the stadium" Argo fan says "it's not a pig it's a dog!!"
Security guard says "I wasn't talking to you a***hole, I was talking to the dog"

6

perfect!

love it

7

Good ones. I'm not talking to you a-hole, I'm talking to the dog. LMAO!

8

the Ti-Cats lose another game

OUCH

9

An atheist was walking through the woods... when he stopped and thought: "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!"
Then, as he was walking along the riv er, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him! He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He ran faster when he looked over his shoulder again, and saw that the bear was even closer! He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of
him... reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped!
The bear froze...
And the forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky...
"You deny my existence for all these years... and try to teach others I don't exist... and even credit creation to a cosmic accident? Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to now count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the ligh t, "Well, it would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now... but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said God.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed...
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

10

Two guys from Hamilton die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them gain, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Hamilton so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!! The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???" The Hamiltonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Cats have won the Grey Cup."

11

Some really good ones here…lol

12

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

13

Maas and Chang are waiting for Taafe to arrive for a post-game meeting with them after yet another loss. Chang, totally demoralized says, "I can't take this--I want to go home. I'm going to act crazy so Charlie sends me home".

So when Taafe arrives for the meeting, Chang starts to make strange sounds and then jumps up on the table and then hangs upside down from the light fixture. "Look at me, I'm a light bulb, I'm a light bulb" says Chang swinging to and fro.

Taafe, alarmed at what he's seeing tells Chang, "I think you need to go home son and forget about this game. Just take it easy and we'll see you tomorrow".

Chang drops down from the table and without another word, skulks out of the room and home. Maas then gathers up his things and is about to leave as well.

"Where the h*ll do yo think you're going? We just lost our eigth game in a row!!!" bellows Taafe.

Maas replies, "I'm going home too. You don't expect me to work in the dark do you?"

An Argo-Cat fan

14

An Argo fan narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he decided to try horseback riding, even though he had no lessons or prior experience. He mounted the horse, and the horse immediately sprang into action. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the Argo fan began to slip from the saddle. He grabbed for the horse's mane, but could not get a firm grip. He tried to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he began to slide down the side of the horse anyway!

The horse galloped along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, losing his frail grip, the Argo fan attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot became entangled in the stirrup, and he was now at the mercy of the horse as his head struck against the ground over and over and over.

As his head was being battered against the ground and he was mere moments away from unconsciousness, to his great fortune a Hamilton Tiger Cat shopping at Wal-Mart saw him and quickly unplugged the horse

15

At the end of a long day a construction worker with a slab of concrete under his arm stops at a local bar. Bartender asks what can i get you. He's replies I'll take two beers one for me and one for the road!!!

16

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

17

My car was parked near Ivor Wynn last week and it was broken in to. I had left 2 ticat tickets on the seat. When I got back to the car,there were FOUR ticat tickets on the seat!!

18

Supposed to leave them under the window wipers! :wink:

19

An Argo fan walks into a bar …

The Ticat fan ducked under it.

Cheers

DVD
The Bassman

8)
20

I've got a plan for the problems with the o-line. Why don't we just run screen passes on every play where the guys pretend to screw up with their pass blocks and then rush out to the side to lead Jesse or Corey or whoever? This might work and maybe they don't have to practice hard at pretending, they've been doing it all along anyways. 8)