After watching another disappointing outing last night it got me thinking how could we have hired coach Cortez in the first place. After thinking about it I think the conversation went something like this:
Phone rings, Cortez's home.
Hello
Hey George, Scott Mitchell here from the Hamilton Tiger Cats football team, how are you doing today?
George: Scott who?
Scott: Mitchell, you know from the Tiger Cats.
George: Oh yeah, how are things in the great white north?
Scott: Not so good George, you see we are looking for a new head coach for the next season. We fired our last guy because he couldn't take us to a higher level, and I didn't like his breath or his hairdo. Do you think you might be interested?
George: Probably not, you see, I have a cushy position with Buffalo, don't have to do much, just sit on the sidelines and
chew my pen and look interested.
Scott: Sounds like you're the kind of guy we want. Think you would be interested in hearing more?
George: Who is this again? I'm right in the middle of combing my hair.
Scott: Scott Mitchell, you remember.
George: Oh yeah
Scott: Here's our proposition, you would be he head coach of course, and you could pick your own assistants, have a say in
what players we have, when and if you want to play them, and a what positions. You could determine the overall
game plan, and what uniforms we wear, it's all up to you George, interested?
George: Sounds too good to be true, what would be my title?
Scott: Well, uh......I know, we could make you head of football operations. How does that sound George?
George: I like the sound of that. By the way, how are the Argonauts doing?
Scott: No George, I'm with the Tiger Cats.
George: Oh yeah, how are they doing?
Scott: Not so well George, we can't seem to make the playoffs, and if we do, we get beat out. Out chances at a
championship are slim at best and we need someone to take us to that level.
George: Well Bob, if I take the job, I can't guarantee anything.
Scott: No George, it's Scott, but that doesn't matter. You see, the fans are used to losing by now and finishing out of the
playoffs, and I'm sure they don't expect miracles. All you have to do is look good on the sidelines, carry a clipboard,
and imagine you're somewhere else. You can let your assistants do whatever they want, even if it doesn't work,
and just be devious when answering questions about why we lose games.
George: Sounds like my kind of club. How are the fans going to take this?
Scott: Don't worry about that, we will get our PR department to put a great spin on it telling the fans and media that we
have outstanding players, experienced coaches, and great expectations for the coming season, yada yada, you
know what I mean.
George: Give me some time to think about it.
Call ended
1 week later:
Scott: Hi George, Scott here, have you given out offer any more thought.
George: Scott who?
Scott: Mitchell, Tiger Cats, remember?
George: Oh yeah. Just a couple of things. How long a contract are we talking about?
Scott: George, we think you are the man, how does 4 years sound, and we will pay you whatever you think is fair.
George: Not bad, but what if I don't do well and you're not satisfied?
Scott: Listen George, this is how it goes. First year, we do the best we can and if we flop, we rack it up to new coaches,
new players, new systems, team chemistry, and so on. Second year, and here's the good part, we will be playing
all over the place as we don't have a home stadium, so we get to travel a lot and we can use that for an excuse why
we don't do well. In the third year, we will have a new stadium, and the fans wil be so taken by the new facility,
they won't notice if we are losers again. They will be too concerned about taking picture and tours, and inviting
their friends. In the final year, if you want out, we can find some excuse such as a family problem and let you
bail. We will even pay you a bonus for opting out early. And George, don't worry about the paying customers
will just keep feeding them a line of bullshit and they will continue to come out to the games and but expensive
food and beer. Not your worry George.
George: Sounds like a plan, however, there are a few other things.
Scott: Whatever you want George.
George: Well my daughter's college tuition is a struggle for us, any chance you could do something?
Scott: No problem, we will pay the whole shot.
George: How about a new coat for my wife and some hard candy for the grandkids?
Scott: All the candy you want George.
George: Need a place to live, movie passes, and a year's supply of Tim Horton's coffee.
Scott: No problem, we got a deal?
George: As long as I'm not held responsible for anything, unless the team happens to do extremely well and maybe win a
championship, then I get all the accolades and credit, right?
Scott: No problems, what do you say?
George: (chuckling on the phone) Alright Bill, you got a deal
George hangs up, turns to his wife. Get packed we're on easy street.