Hilarious NFL Predictions........

…with writing credit to author Kevin ‘Fragmaster’ Bowen, contributor to the website SomethingAwful.com, a pretty funny rundown of the AFC for the 2005-096 season:

With the NFL pre-season underway, it’s time to predict which team will throw the old pigskin all the way into the Super Bowl. As usual, you can’t count on sites like ESPN or Sports Illustrated to provide accurate predictions, so Something Awful is here to break down exactly how the 2005 National Football League season will go down.

AFC East

New England Patriots - Despite linebackers having strokes all over the place and Bill Belichick calling offensive plays he’s stolen mostly from NES Tecmo Bowl, the Patriots manage to win the AFC East. After backup QB Doug Flutie throws an incomplete pass during practice before week 6, starting QB Tom Brady remarks, “nice pass, Doug… but it fell a little bit short you f**kin wicked midget shrimp!” Flutie then proceeds to throw a bowl of hot clam chowder in Brady’s face and punch him in the gut.

New York Jets - Chad Pennington hands the ball to Curtis Martin and then on ESPN NFL Countdown Chris Berman uses that same Curtis “My Favorite” Martin joke he’s been using for over a decade now. IT’S STILL HILARIOUS, CHRIS!

Buffalo Bills - Drafting quarterbacks from California has worked out great for the Bills! Last time they ended up with Rob Johnson, an excellent holder. And by “holder” I don’t mean, “guy who holds the ball for the placekicker,” I mean, “guy who drops back, never throws the ball, and gets sacked 14 times a game.” New QB J.P. Losman will suck slightly less than Johnson, but backup QB Kelly Holcomb will be starting by week 6. And I’ll still be pissed that Norwood blew my only chance of seeing the Bills win a Super Bowl in my lifetime.

Miami Dolphins - By week 5, new head coach Nick Saban will have already dipped into Ricky Williams’ pot stash four times. QB A.J. Feeley totally screws up a key play in the first game because he keeps daydreaming in the huddle about how “A.J. Feeley” is a pretty good porn star name. The Dolphins barely manage to win four games.

AFC North

Cincinnati Bengals - After sucking for like 15 years, the Bengals finally manage to win the division and make the playoffs. Carson Palmer – who has the second-most rich whiteboy name in the league after Chad Pennington – has a monster year. Wide Receiving attention ho Chad Johnson says something controversial involving having sex with Oprah Winfrey by mid-season and Marvin Lewis will refer to a rude bellboy at a Tennessean hotel as “a real douche bag.”

Pittsburgh Steelers - Ben Roethlisberger struggles, prompting Chris Berman to say things like, “it looks like the Roethlisberger isn’t cutting the mustard!” Former XFL QB Tommy Maddox will clothesline WR Hines Ward, then bodyslam him into a folding table before week 2’s game against Houston, putting Ward on the DL for the rest of the season. Bill Cowher will lose a lot of key games, but he won’t lose that creepy mustache.

Baltimore Ravens - Deion Sanders gets injured, Ed Reed intercepts a few balls, Ray Lewis struts around like a retard, Kyle Boller puts up a sub-70 QB rating, and the Ravens once vaunted defense continues to decline. Head coach Brian Billick is once again confused with Bill Belichick at the supermarket. Billick also spends ten minutes talking with first round draft pick WR Mark Clayton, trying to understand what exactly “skeet skeet” means. Clayton is too embarrassed to fess up, so he just tells the coach it means “having fun.”

Cleveland Browns - Around Cleveland, I imagine there’s a joke that goes something like, “why are the Cleveland Browns called the Browns? BECAUSE THEY’RE SH!T!” And it’s true. For some reason, the Browns decided to sign Trent Dilfer to a four-year deal to be their starting quarterback this season. I guess Cleveland loves signing balding quarterbacks because last year they had Jeff Garcia. New head coach Romeo Crennel vomits into a plastic trashcan after eating some bad White Castle in Minnesota and that’s pretty much the highlight of his year.

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts - Peyton Manning throws a lot of touchdowns and the Colts easily win the division. During the week 8 bye, Kicker Mike Vanderjagt is quoted as saying that New England’s Tom Brady is a “huge fairy” and openly speculates that Brady is “jamming it it into [Running back] Corey Dillon’s backfield, like, all the time.”

Jacksonville Jaguars, Houston Texans, Tennessee Titans - There’s really not too much to say about these teams because A) they’re not very interesting and B) they’re all missing the playoffs. The Texans manage to barely eek over .500, Steve McNair continues to disintegrate, and Jacksonville’s first-round draft pick Matt Jones ends up being a completely useless 6’6" guy on the sidelines in street clothes clapping his hands.

AFC West

San Diego Chargers - Everybody knows head coach Marty Schottenheimer is going to totally muck things up at some point, but the question is when? Still, unless the defense totally sucks, the Chargers will be losing a game in the playoffs for sure. Antonio “Bill” Gates will catch less than 8 touchdowns. Don’t watch ESPN’s NFL Countdown the week the Chargers wear their alternate powder blue uniforms because every time they do, Chris Berman screams about how cool they look and loudly starts ejaculating all over his desk.

Oakland Raiders - If you’re an a$$hole or a scumbag, you’re probably a Raiders fan. The Raiders pretty much consist of talented players that are too dumb, egotistical, emotionally unstable, or just plain too crazy for the rest of the league. So it’s really no surprise that they signed Randy Moss. The Raiders will make the playoffs if the following things happen:
Boring head coach Norm Turner can keep the brawls at practice to a minimum
The starting defensive line doesn’t get suspended for drug abuse
Kerry Collins throws the ball in the general direction of the wide receivers
Randy Moss doesn’t attempt to weave his afro into a helmet

Kansas City Chiefs - For the past couple years, the Chiefs have been trying to fix their defense, acting as if their offense is some kind of flawless perfect machine. Unfortunately, they apparently neglected to notice Trent Green is their quarterback. Lowtax attends the week 9 loss to Oakland and whines like a little bitch over the quality of his beer. The Chiefs have another disappointing, inconsistent, generally crappy season and head coach Dick Vermeil gives a weepy retirement speech at the end of the year.

Denver Broncos - If you found a blind man dying of syphilis and asked him to put together a fantasy team, the roster he would come up with would probably very closely resemble that of the 2005 Denver Broncos. This year, they imported four defensive linemen from the Browns. The BROWNS. They brought in 42-year-old WR Jerry Rice because he refuses to retire with dignity; kind of like baseball’s Ricky Henderson, except Rice is less of a jerk. They inexplicably drafted Maurice Clarett, maybe because they decided they needed some more crybaby drama in the locker room? Who knows. Anyways, QB Jake Plummer will make like a plumber and lead the team down the drain, into the septic system that is last place.

That’s all for the AFC. Look for the NFC preview in two weeks, right here on Something Awful: your #1 source for sports commentary written by huge nerds!

That's amazingly funny.

Gotta love quotes like:

If you're an a$$hole or a scumbag, you're probably a Raiders fan.

During the week 8 bye, Kicker Mike Vanderjagt is quoted as saying that New England's Tom Brady is a "huge fairy" and openly speculates that Brady is "jamming it it into [Running back] Corey Dillon's backfield, like, all the time."

After backup QB Doug Flutie throws an incomplete pass during practice before week 6, starting QB Tom Brady remarks, "nice pass, Doug... but it fell a little bit short you f**kin wicked midget shrimp!" Flutie then proceeds to throw a bowl of hot clam chowder in Brady's face and punch him in the gut.

Drafting quarterbacks from California has worked out great for the Bills! Last time they ended up with Rob Johnson, an excellent holder.

New head coach Romeo Crennel vomits into a plastic trashcan after eating some bad White Castle in Minnesota and that's pretty much the highlight of his year.

Hmmm. . .anyone creative enough to come up with a CFL version? Come to think of it, that might tick too many people off. . .

That guy is crazy... But wait, the NFL is crazy.

It all fits. Wouldn't it be creepy if this all actually happened. If that's possible at all.

my prediction is:.....i will NEVER find the NFL interesting

I vote for a RedandWhite vs. Turkeybend showdown! Such a competition would almost automatically be nominated for Thread of the year.

Start typing, boys. . . :smiley:

Drumming god,
How is the NFL not interesting ?

i cant root for american teams....y do i care if philly were to beat new england..lol

you just don’t care ? is that it?

yep

To me, all that ressemble football is interesting. I'm never tired of watching football.

However, I admit that, to me, the NFL is to the CFL what a hamburger is to a cheeseburger. There's a little less of something in the former that makes the latter tastier.

I would much rather attend an NFL game live, than CFL. ( except games at the wildest stadium in the CFL, Taylor Field. ) I am actually going to Green Bay for Thursday's pre season game at Lambeau against the San Diego Chargers. As a Packer fan I am in my glory. I am excited to see Favre play.

.....how much are tickets?, my brother is a huge packer fan, I'd love to take him to a game sometime in this lifetime.....

I did not buy them. The only way you can get some is if you know someone, that knows someones uncle twice removed, if you know what I mean. I fortunatley was given a complementary one, I guy I know, his cousin was drafted by the Packers this year. I tried to get tix to the Vikings packers Game in October at the dome, but they sold out within one hour of being on sale. This is way better thought being at Lambeau.

I gave it a try:


WEST

B.-C. The Lions go on to winning all of their 18 regular season games. The Vancouver media start demonstrating some interest for the Lions after they become Sports Illustrated featured story, in an article titled « NFL Reject gives Canada a reason to enjoy itself. » In October, David Braley makes a fool of himself at a banquet celebrating Tom Wrights nomination for the Order of Canada, when he pulls out a copy of an August daily titled « Who will stop the Lions? » and calls it « todays paper ». After BC loses the Grey Cup at home, a CBC commentator asks most outstanding canadian, Jason Clermont, how much of a dream it was to play in the Grey Cup against its own fans. The commentator gets tackled in the nuts.

Edmonton In spite of being 10-2 after their first 12 games, the Eskimos face another one of Hughs Campbell nervous breakdowns because the team is only ranked second in the CFL behind the 12-0 Lions. Campbell trades off Jason Mass and a wheelbarrel of 100$ bundles to Hamilton for Troy Davis and a Tim Hortons franchise. The trade backfires on the Eskimos after Ricky Ray gets accidentally hit by a Frito Lays truck, in front of McMahons stadium. The Eskimos manage to sneak into the playoffs, but lose in the western division semi-finals after Troy Davis - who was running free with the winning touchdown in the games dying second - trips on a bundle of money dropped by Campbell.

Saskatchewan In sync with their previous years outings, the Roughriders go on to winning games only when their fans start jumping off the bandwagon. Nealon Greene goes down after week 8 with a fractured affro. Marcus Crandell fills in well, winning a sequence of two games in a row.Three games from the end of the season, Crandell cranks its game a notch and makes Taylor Field goes wild when he succesfully execute plays he never made before, like short passes near the sidelines. The Riders fail to host a playoff game, but goes on to win the western semi-final at Commonwealth stadium. After the game, fans in Regina drop a pile of manure on Paul McCallums lawn, even if the aging kicker sucessfully made his three field goals attempts in the game. One of the perpetuators explains to the Regina Police Corp that they dropped the manure anyways because they didnt know what to do with it, since it had been ordered prematurely. «We were caught off-guard by McCallums solid performance », he explained. The Riders playoff run comes to an end in the Western finals, when Dennis Giles, filling in for Marcus Crandell, who stayed in Regina to attend the unveiling of a statue of himself, fails to perform.

Calgary The Stampeders finish with the same record as the Riders, but get the fourth place after losing the serie in a game where former Rider Henry Burris fumbled a record 9 times. The Stamps miss a shot at crossing over, getting ousted of the playoffs after being denied of the victory on a trick play that was called-back by a new referee named Campbell.

Winnipeg The Blue Bombers come out struggling and cant manage to get more than one victory in over a half season. Before week 12s game, coach Jim Daley announces he finally plans to play a new quarterback, realizing Glenn and Martin are not an appropriate one two punch. « Its more of a one-two slap », admits Daley. But the coach has no time to implement its plan, because general manager Taman comes back from an eight-month long vacations and gives him the boot. Taman hires a former CFL coach named Matt Dunnigan, saying he likes the steak-smell of people coming from Calgary. Dunnigan persuades Taman of trading Charles Roberts and Joe Flemming to the Lions in return for soon-to-be-retired Moe Elewonibi, a 3rd round pick, the rights to a player whose entry in Canada was denied and a bucket of Ben & Jerry.

EAST

Toronto Damon Allen gets both of his legs crushed after being « accidentally » fell on by Montreals Ed Philion. The accident brings suspicion as it happens not on the field, but at the supermarket in Allens neighbourhood. « Hey, I just love the cookies in Toronto, so I had to go to that particular grocery store », Philion argued. Nonetheless, the Argos go on to hire former NFL great Dan Marino to fill in for injured Allen. « I know I was retired », said Marino on his surprising comeback, « but even in the NFL, never was I offered this much money before. » In spite of his 16 legs fractures, ironman Allen is ready to take is job back after three weeks. The Argos win their first division title since 2001, but must forfeit the game because Barney the dinosaur had already rented the Roger Center on game night.

Ottawa When the Ottawa media are told that Ottawa finished the season in second-place, they mistakenly title the papers « The Senators were one spot away from NHL domination ». The Renegades host the Alouettes in the western division semi-final game, but must go without head coach Joe Paopao, who had previously booked his vacations in November, since hes always off by then. President Lonie Glieberman fails to notice Paopaos departure because of being too busy running cheerleaders auditions.

Montreal Montreal goes on to recording its first losing record since reappearing in the league : 8-10. In spite of all the woes suffered by the decimated Alouettes due to both off-season pillage and injuries coach Don Matthews stubbornly repeats that he has never seen such a perfect roster. Mid-way through the season, the Alouettes add a new record to the CFL book for being the first team half-constituted of defensive linemen. Montreal get past the Renegades in the western semi-final after former Als Matt Kellett fails to identify which of the four uprights he sees are the real ones. Montreal then head straight to the Grey Cup game because of Torontos forfeit. Jim Popp gives a contract extension to Barney the dinosaur.

Hamilton Hi-tech fanatic Bob Young agrees to trade off Troy Davis to Edmonton after he successfully creates a robotic clone version of the star running back. The robot cant add any heart to the already lifeless Tiger-Cats, and the Hamiltons yellow & black crew tie their 2003 infamous record of 1-17 (winning again one game against Saskatchewan). Bob Young slams the door at the end of the season, leaving with the robotic Troy Davis who eventually gets a job in « Star Trek, the late late late generation ». The Tiger-Cats fail to find an owner in less than 30 days, which puts commissionner Tom Wright on the hot seat.

........absolutely brilliant.......

Couldn't stop laughing! Well done.

Okay, 3/10 - it is evident you have far too much spare time! Seriously, that's hilarious - I'm still chuckling to myself over here - pretty sad, considering I'm by myself right now. . .Awesome job! :smiley: