CFL CRAPTACULAR PREDICTIONS for the 2nd half of the season

Some people have requested that we create something similar to the NFL predictions. Here go mine, please post yours, this could be a funny thread.

BC LIONS - To make sure there is a good QB controversy, the team managed to add to their roster Payton Manning, Tom Brady and Ben Rotschlschwarzenegger. Yet, somehow, they manage not to win the Grey Cup.

EDMONTON ESKIMOS - That team is so stable i really got nothing on them except that despite all of our prayers, they will still make the playoffs. There is no GOD! Fortunately, they won't win the Grey Cup this year.

CALGARY STAMPEDERS - After a touchdown celebration in week 10, the Calgary touchdown horse runs into Joffrey Reynolds, they are both sidelined until next season. They lose against Edmonton in the first round of the playoffs.

SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS - After a series of losses, the Riders Fans, best fans in football, kidnap all the SASK players and disguise themselves to replace them. The fans/new players get decimated by injuries but still win a game, against Montreal, by a score of 69-65. They miss the playoffs, but their story later inspires a Disney movie titled: "The Riderville parade of the gay Priders Easy Riders on the Storm : It's not that easy being green"

WINNEPEG BLUE BOMBERS - Troy Westwood suffers a nervous breakdown and leaves the team for extensive emotionnal therapy. The Bombers win all their remaining games. They do not make the playoffs, but everybody agrees that if they had made the playoffs, they would've won the Grey Cup.

HAMILTON TIGER CATS - Change in the upper offices, the Ti-Cats hire BigDave as general manager. Also, 514MTL gets called a suck-up. :stuck_out_tongue:

TORONTO ARGONAUTS - Seing how old he is, the Toronto Maple Leafs sign Damon Allen to a 5 years 27 millions $ deal. Allen tells the Maple Leafs that he can't skate, but Fergusson replies that "it doens't matter because you have experience". Allen takes the money. The Argos crumble and lose the Eastern final to Montreal.

OTTAWA RENEGADES - They kick ass, but are unfortunately cursed with the SENATORS/NORDIQUES/EXPOS curse, so they won't win anything important for a while.

MONTREAL ALOUETTES - The Als stop using the running game because it was working too well. The staff still say Lapointe is the no.1 running back even though he averages less than 1 carry per game. Don Matthews starts calling himself "the prophet" and sticks with his "blitz first, think after" religion. At the end of the season, the Don resigns to become a full-time rock star in his own project: "the Don Matthews Band".

lol, so funny

but for edmonton it should be somthing like the egloo ricky ray was sitting in falls down right before labour day they never recover and lose to the stamps in the playoffs.

"The Riderville parade of the gay Priders Easy Riders on the Storm : It's not that easy being green"

That's awesome!

OR Troy Westwood is sent to hospital after being strangled by a broken Banjo string a result of using gut strings from inbred stray cats.

Hahahahahahahahahaah, very funny, shadowofdeath.

Come on people, we need your predictions!!!!

Westwood has a heart attack because he missed another field goal. So Jon Ryan is forced to both of the jobs for now. The bombers win the rest of their games with the help of Jon Ryan never missing a field goal and always scoring singles with his amazing leg. Rest In Peace Troy and don't worry about missing field goals anymore. You're safe up there.

But then Troy is told there's football in heaven and is told to kick for them in a game against hell. Troy then misses all 20 field goal attempts from the 5-15 yard line all hitting the posts and heaven loses 1-0 on a field goal kicked by Hitler that went out of the endzone

See - you learn something new every day. I would have thought that, being Hell, there would be no football there. . . :wink:

actually the problem is they have Tee Martin as a QB.
"wait he's not dead"
"yes he is. the government just doesnt want you to know."

Im going no where with this so im going to stop.

After going 7-4 to start the season Ottawa takes a downturn after Kerry Joseph goes blind after seeing Joe Paopao continuously taking off his shirt. Paopao is quoted as saying "I just wanted some beads."


Here are Third And Then's predictions (i took the liberty to transfer them from another thread).


B.-C. – The Lions go on to winning all of their 18 regular season games. The Vancouver media start demonstrating some interest for the Lions after they become Sports Illustrated featured story, in an article titled « NFL Reject gives Canada a reason to enjoy itself. » In October, David Braley makes a fool of himself at a banquet celebrating Tom Wrights’ nomination for the Order of Canada, when he pulls out a copy of an August daily titled « Who will stop the Lions? » and calls it « today’s paper ». After BC loses the Grey Cup at home, a CBC commentator asks most outstanding canadian, Jason Clermont, how much of a dream it was to play in the Grey Cup against its own fans. The commentator gets tackled in the nuts.

Edmonton – In spite of being 10-2 after their first 12 games, the Eskimos face another one of Hugh’s Campbell nervous breakdowns because the team is only ranked second in the CFL behind the 12-0 Lions. Campbell trades off Jason Mass and a wheelbarrel of 100$ bundles to Hamilton for Troy Davis and a Tim Horton’s franchise. The trade backfires on the Eskimos after Ricky Ray gets accidentally hit by a Frito Lays truck, in front of McMahon’s stadium. The Eskimos manage to sneak into the playoffs, but lose in the western division semi-finals after Troy Davis - who was running free with the winning touchdown in the game’s dying second - trips on a bundle of money dropped by Campbell.

Saskatchewan – In sync with their previous year’s outings, the Roughriders go on to winning games only when their fans start jumping off the bandwagon. Nealon Greene goes down after week 8 with a fractured affro. Marcus Crandell fills in well, winning a sequence of two games in a row.Three games from the end of the season, Crandell cranks its game a notch and makes Taylor Field goes wild when he succesfully execute plays he never made before, like short passes near the sidelines. The Riders fail to host a playoff game, but goes on to win the western semi-final at Commonwealth stadium. After the game, fans in Regina drop a pile of manure on Paul McCallum’s lawn, even if the aging kicker sucessfully made his three field goals attempts in the game. One of the perpetuators explains to the Regina Police Corp that they dropped the manure anyways because they didn’t know what to do with it, since it had been ordered prematurely. «We were caught off-guard by McCallum’s solid performance », he explained. The Riders’ playoff run comes to an end in the Western finals, when Dennis Giles, filling in for Marcus Crandell, who stayed in Regina to attend the unveiling of a statue of himself, fails to perform.

Calgary – The Stampeders finish with the same record as the Riders, but get the fourth place after losing the serie in a game where former Rider Henry Burris fumbled a record 9 times. The Stamps miss a shot at crossing over, getting ousted of the playoffs after being denied of the victory on a trick play that was called-back by a new referee named Campbell.

Winnipeg – The Blue Bombers come out struggling and can’t manage to get more than one victory in over a half season. Before week 12’s game, coach Jim Daley announces he finally plans to play a new quarterback, realizing Glenn and Martin are not an appropriate one two punch. « It’s more of a one-two slap », admits Daley. But the coach has no time to implement its plan, because general manager Taman comes back from an eight-month long vacations and gives him the boot. Taman hires a former CFL coach named Matt Dunnigan, saying he likes the steak-smell of people coming from Calgary. Dunnigan persuades Taman of trading Charles Roberts and Joe Flemming to the Lions in return for soon-to-be-retired Moe Elewonibi, a 3rd round pick, the rights to a player whose entry in Canada was denied and a bucket of Ben & Jerry.


Toronto – Damon Allen gets both of his legs crushed after being « accidentally » fell on by Montreal’s Ed Philion. The accident brings suspicion as it happens not on the field, but at the supermarket in Allen’s neighbourhood. « Hey, I just love the cookies in Toronto, so I had to go to that particular grocery store », Philion argued. Nonetheless, the Argos go on to hire former NFL great Dan Marino to fill in for injured Allen. « I know I was retired », said Marino on his surprising comeback, « but even in the NFL, never was I offered this much money before. » In spite of his 16 leg’s fractures, ironman Allen is ready to take is job back after three weeks. The Argos win their first division title since 2001, but must forfeit the game because Barney the dinosaur had already rented the Roger Center on game night.

Ottawa – When the Ottawa media are told that Ottawa finished the season in second-place, they mistakenly title the papers « The Senators were one spot away from NHL domination ». The Renegades host the Alouettes in the western division semi-final game, but must go without head coach Joe Paopao, who had previously booked his vacations in November, since he’s always off by then. President Lonie Glieberman fails to notice Paopao’s departure because of being too busy running cheerleaders’ auditions.

Montreal – Montreal goes on to recording its first losing record since reappearing in the league : 8-10. In spite of all the woes suffered by the decimated Alouettes – due to both off-season’ pillage and injuries – coach Don Matthews stubbornly repeats that he has never seen such a perfect roster. Mid-way through the season, the Alouettes add a new record to the CFL book for being the first team half-constituted of defensive linemen. Montreal get past the Renegades in the western semi-final after former Al’s Matt Kellett fails to identify which of the four uprights he sees are the real ones. Montreal then head straight to the Grey Cup game because of Toronto’s forfeit. Jim Popp gives a contract extension to Barney the dinosaur.

Hamilton – Hi-tech fanatic Bob Young agrees to trade off Troy Davis to Edmonton after he successfully creates a robotic clone version of the star running back. The robot can’t add any heart to the already lifeless Tiger-Cats, and the Hamilton’s yellow & black crew tie their 2003 infamous record of 1-17 (winning again one game against Saskatchewan). Bob Young slams the door at the end of the season, leaving with the robotic Troy Davis who eventually gets a job in « Star Trek, the late late late generation ». The Tiger-Cats fail to find an owner in less than 30 days, which puts commissionner Tom Wright on the hot seat….


514MTL, you win the prize!!

CALGARY: The city as a collective whole realizes that the Stampeders are quickly approaching the combined win total of the past 3 seasons, and, fearful of entering higher ground (thus also perhaps explaining the 26,798 casualties of the spring flooding), kidnaps the current Stampeders ownership group and threatens extermination unless Micheal Feterik is brought back from California to replace the owners, Fred Fateri is instituted as head coach/GM/offensive co-ordinator/defensive co-ordinator/backup linebacker, and Kevin Feterik is given a contract of $500,000 per year with a guarantee of playing every down, and a bonus of $100,000 for each time he throws the ball further than 20 yards. Somehow, the Stamps make it to the Grey Cup, but before the game John Jenkins is re-instituted as offensive coordinator, causing the Stamps to try and protect a 6-point lead with 0:32 to go in the 4th quarter by passing the ball. The second pass is intercepted and returned for a touchdown. Stamps lose the Grey Cup by a convert. Fans are particularly stung by the fact that the Stamps new kicker, Fred Fateri (who had appointed himself kicker at the same time of John Jenkins return), went 0-5 on converts.

Edmonton - The stress of a second place finish in the West behind the Lions is too much for Hughie to bear, he is rushed to the hospital with a small growth protruding from his anus. Doctors and family members are worried that the growth could be the big C, but after countless hours of surgery to remove it, the news is good. The growth was not cancer and only Danny Maccio who gets to keep his job for the time being.

It's funny how 36 hours after I post my predictions, one of them being a management change in Hamilton, there actually was a huge management shuffle in Hamilton. :smiley:

Why don't you write something about the Als winning the Cup, Nostradamus?

Done. I tweaked one of my predictions, and by deduction, only one team can win the Grey Cup. 8)

im glad someone actully made a funny one about the stamps.

Edmonton - Commonwealth Stadium collapses, forcing the Eskimos to relocate to Inuvik. The team is quickly sued over the use of the word "eskimo", but offers to pay each resident of the NWT $1000 as compensation instead. As a result, Edmonton's surplus decreases by $80,000 and they are forced to stop buying mammoth steaks as pre-game, half-time and post-game snacks. Upon further investigation, it is discovered that Commonwealth Stadium was built on a foundation of stacks of $100 bills. Oil is found at the site, and that section of Edmonton announces its intent to separate from Canada. Meanwhile, the Eskimos sign Dickenson, Calvillo, Joseph (who is converted to RB), Simon, Ranek, Roberts, Ryan, Clermont, Landry, Avery, Cahoon (they buy him a bionic wrist), Benefield, Simpson, Fleming, Grace, Evans, Curry, Hebert, Davis, and lure Pringle back out of retirement, all the while maintaining that they are under the salary cap. Despite being the most stacked team in the CFL, the eskimos fail to win another game, finishing the season at 5-13. They proceed to miss the playoffs. Meanwhile, Calgary comes within a convert of winning the Grey Cup, and a chorus of "we-should've-won-the-Grey-Cup-we-got-screwed-over-just-wait-til-next-year-this-is-going-to-be-the-best-team-in-the-history-of-the-CFL-just-you-wait-we-have-Greene-at-QB-and-we'll-be-undefeated!" can be heard from the east.