Share Jokes

Re: Share Jokes

by oo DAWG oo » Sat Apr 08, 2017 5:15 am

That was kind of crappy
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Re: Share Jokes

by sambo42 » Sat Apr 08, 2017 8:49 am

Q: Where do Volkswagons go when they get old?

A: to the old Volks home

Q: How does Dan Quayle( the elder Bush's Veep) sing old McDonald?
A: ei-ei-ei-o....e

Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but he gets 3 credits for it
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Re: Share Jokes

by beaglehound » Sat Apr 08, 2017 9:48 am

While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some
arguments for changing that policy.
Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
"Peace is not the absence of conflict in life but the ability to cope with it."
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Re: Share Jokes

by beaglehound » Sat Apr 08, 2017 9:51 am

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So... the one flies
over and the other one swims through.
Which one gets the worm first?
The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."
"Peace is not the absence of conflict in life but the ability to cope with it."
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Re: Share Jokes

by beaglehound » Sat Apr 08, 2017 9:51 am

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is
kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
"Peace is not the absence of conflict in life but the ability to cope with it."
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Re: Share Jokes

by PTBO Dave » Sun Apr 09, 2017 10:27 am

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What all men speak well of, look critically into; what all men condemn, examine first before you decide.
-Confucius

When people are fanatically dedicated to political or religious faiths or any other kind of dogmas or goals, it's always because these dogmas or goals are in doubt. -Robert M. Pirsig
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Re: Share Jokes

by argonaut11xx » Mon Apr 10, 2017 5:39 pm

If an American and a Mexican both jumped off the Empire State Building, who would hot the ground first???
...
...
...
...
...
...
The American would hit the ground first
...
...
...
...
...
Cause the Mexican would stop every few floors to spray paint Down with Trump! on the side of the building.
BUILD THAT WALL...between TORONTO & HAMILTON...then MAKE HAMILTON PAY FOR IT
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Re: Share Jokes

by KevinRiley2 » Mon Apr 10, 2017 7:55 pm

beaglehound wrote:The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is
kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

:thup:
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Re: Share Jokes

by beaglehound » Mon Apr 10, 2017 10:20 pm

Catholic Horses

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing
his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and
blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure
enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses
lined up, and place a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch
made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had
blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to
see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest
showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated!

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it
always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by
the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He
made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings and awaited the priest's
blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.


True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race
and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.


Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he
found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you
blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost.
Now I've lost my savings too, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants,
you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
"Peace is not the absence of conflict in life but the ability to cope with it."
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Re: Share Jokes

by beaglehound » Mon Apr 10, 2017 10:23 pm

FIVE SURGEONS

Five Canadian Surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first, a Manitoban surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, a Quebec surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third, a B.C. surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth, an Alberta surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.

But the fifth, an Ontario surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
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Re: Share Jokes

by EastVanMark » Mon Apr 10, 2017 10:26 pm

How many dirty stinking apes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: 3. One dirty stinking ape to screw in the light bulb, and the other two dirty stinking apes to throw feces at each other.
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Re: Share Jokes

by PTBO Dave » Tue Apr 11, 2017 7:06 pm

EastVanMark wrote:How many dirty stinking apes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: 3. One dirty stinking ape to screw in the light bulb, and the other two dirty stinking apes to throw feces at each other.


At first, I thought this was going to be a Charlton Heston/Planet of the Apes joke, but it turns out it's just a poop joke, I think?


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What all men speak well of, look critically into; what all men condemn, examine first before you decide.
-Confucius

When people are fanatically dedicated to political or religious faiths or any other kind of dogmas or goals, it's always because these dogmas or goals are in doubt. -Robert M. Pirsig
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Re: Share Jokes

by Liquor Kitty » Wed Apr 12, 2017 7:06 am

PTBO Dave wrote:
EastVanMark wrote:How many dirty stinking apes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: 3. One dirty stinking ape to screw in the light bulb, and the other two dirty stinking apes to throw feces at each other.


At first, I thought this was going to be a Charlton Heston/Planet of the Apes joke, but it turns out it's just a poop joke, I think?


Lots of poop jokes in this thread. Flush...
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Re: Share Jokes

by bobo82 » Wed Apr 12, 2017 7:56 am

Liquor Kitty wrote:
PTBO Dave wrote:
EastVanMark wrote:How many dirty stinking apes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: 3. One dirty stinking ape to screw in the light bulb, and the other two dirty stinking apes to throw feces at each other.


At first, I thought this was going to be a Charlton Heston/Planet of the Apes joke, but it turns out it's just a poop joke, I think?


Lots of poop jokes in this thread. Flush...


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Re: Share Jokes

by EastVanMark » Wed Apr 12, 2017 12:01 pm

That first one with the Joker is so true
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